Throughout my life I have been largely indifferent about vampires. There are three major exceptions to this rule. The first was on July 29th, 1981: the day I ate Count Chocula for the very first time.  My youngest sister was born that day and and I was shuttled off to the home a family friend who was hosting an early morning viewing party for the Prince Charles and Lady Diana nuptials. Under the repressive regime of my parents, sugary cereals were not allowed, so the opportunity to indulge in the forbidden, was memorable.

Secondly, The Count from Sesame Street probably deserves some credit for teaching me to count. Although I did find his schtick to be rather repetitive.

Finally, in high school, I played Dr. Seward in the Erindale Secondary School production of Count Dracula. The quality of the play was actually quite high and few of those in the production would go on to enjoy successful professional theatre careers. However, it was also the Apocalypse Now of high school theatre productions; with delays,  emotional confrontations and an incredibly expensive and elaborate set. Occasionally a coked-out Dennis Hopper would show up on stage and ramble something about “dialectics.” It was nuts.

But beyond that, I have never gravitated to the vampire thing. WhileI realize Buffy the Vampire Slayer has inspired countless PHD dissertations and I appreciate the enormous popularity of True Blood and Twilight, I have rarely found the genre all that compelling. So when my wife suggested we catch up the popular culture trends from four years ago and watch the first Twilight movie, I was only mildly curious.

While I hadn’t seen the movies or read the books, my head was’t completely in the sand about the Twilight phenomena.  What I do know about Twilight is that there is little that can be said about Twilight that hasn’t already been said. And it’s pretty darn Mormony.

That being said, I decided to jot down some the impressions of a 34 year-old man who is indifferent to vampires and is watching Twilight for the first time.

1. Was the entire cast, (savethe Asian kid with the Pat Benatar hair), locked in a room and forced to watch My So Called Life over and over? Because there was..., i don’t know...just so much...awkward...and...stilted dialogue. Apparently Bella can’t order a sandwich without experiencing verbal anguish. She makes Angela Chase sound like Mae West.

2. Why couldn’t I have gone to the school where extreme awkwardness is rewarded with popularity?

3. José Zúñiga plays the overly enthusiastic science teacher. I can’t tell if Jose is making a meal of his limited screen time or if it only seems that way because he is the only character who can complete a sentence without appearing to have an aneurysm.

4. I cringe at the thought of a million lonely emo kids trotting out the line “I don’t think I have the strength to stay away from you.” In the real world, that will be followed by a look of fear, a slow back-a-way and a restraining order. Trust me emo kids, leave that kind of line to the sexy vampires.

5. Close your eyes when Robert Pattison speaks and you will be sureyou are listening to Christopher Walken. I guess that’s who he listened to when trying to get the accent down.

6. I’m adding Robert Pattison to the list of male actors whom women love but who I would not have guessed were hunkalicious. John Stamos? I getit. Scott Baio? For sure. But Robert Pattison just seems like a regular guy to me. He certainly is no Kelly Gruber. That guy was hot!

7.  It’s just weird that the vampires don’t wear baseball gloves. They weren’t too vampirey to wear baseball hats.

8. I’m totally on Team Jacob. Why? My liberal guilt over the treatment of North American indigenous people and I think it’s a bold move to rock the long head-banger hair in 2008.

In conclusion, watching Twilight has done nothing to pique my interest in vampires. I remain indifferent to these sexy mythological creatures and the misguided romantics that fall in love with them. At one point, I had the following exchange with my wife:

Her: “What if he eats her neck?”

Me:  “Then he eats her neck.”

Sorry Vampires. Until you can put all of your sexy pauses and seductive glances into cereal form, I am not on board.